Archives for posts with tag: abuse


After we successfully leave an abusive relationship, we often are bombarded with a flood of emotions that we have held in for a long time.  We have trained ourselves not to cry, to stay calm, and to numb ourselves to all emotion during the most tumultuous of times.  During the relationship, crying or showing anger in front of the abuser was dangerous, and we are often careful to stay calm for our children to try to reassure them that things were okay. 

When I left my husband, it was very hard to control myself emotionally.  Before I had just been trying to survive day to day with a very unpredictable man; I lived in the moment.  I often didn’t think about the future, or the past.  After leaving survival mode, I didn’t have to hold it all in anymore, and boy, did the floodgates open.  When I was not looking after my children, I had my thoughts all to myself again.  They were not good thoughts.  I thought about my past, and all the things that had happened that I had locked away in the far corners of my mind for so long.  I was angry, but mostly I was sad and regretful.  I thought about all the times I could have possibly gotten away from this man but chose not to, and shame began to consume me.  I once read somewhere that shame is one of the most powerful and dangerous emotions; I believe it. 

After I left was the first time most of my family and friends ever knew he was abusive.  I was ashamed to tell them, I was ashamed to be someone that many thought had a beautiful family and had it together was enduring such nonsense at home.  I had kept it well hidden as much as I could.  I was ashamed that when I left my husband I was strapped with financial issues, and ashamed to tell anyone how long it had been going on.  On the other hand my close family had not really liked my husband for years.  They knew things were not right and after having three kids by this man I think they had pretty much given up on me.  There was not a big supportive reunion when I showed up on their doorstep with three kids and a garbage bag full of our clothes.  My family was worried and upset, my friends were in shock and really didn’t understand what I was going through.  It was a very stressful time.  Pride had kept me trying to hold my family together, and pride killed me when it fell apart.  I was 33 years old, living with my parents with my three kids, and receiving daily death threats from my husband.  The life I once knew was gone, and I knew there was no turning back.  Thinking about the future was scary, and even though I was hopeful, it often looked bleak.  I felt like I ruined the most critical years of my life. 

I want to tell everyone out there that has left an abusive relationship, and has had children with an abuser, there is no room for shame in your life.  You have been punished enough, you’ve had more than your fair share of setbacks.  You may have made a poor relationship choice, but you never, never deserved what you got in return.  Abusers are tricky people.  They are manipulating and very good at what they do.  Unless you have encountered one you will never understand how someone can get so caught up with one.  Today I want to tell you that you are strong for leaving, you have nothing to be ashamed of, you were in a bad situation and you got out.  Don’t ever let the shame of you not having a traditional family or your children not having their father overshadow the good decision you made to leave.  Don’t let anyone’s judgement cloud your journey back onto the right path to a good, healthy and happy life.  You are a survivor.



Single motherhood after an abusive relationship is unique.  Women who leave their abusers often do so knowing they will never be able to contact their children’s father for financial or parental help again.  Looking for support can lead to endangering themselves and their children.  They leave and never look back.  During the relationship family and friends have often been alienated, and the world has been revolving around the abuser for years.  After the initial dust of empowerment mixed with freedom settles, loneliness rears its ugly head.  This page is here to offer support and coping skills for single moms who are going it alone after abuse.